The Lite News Volume II

In a bizarre story, we learned this week of the Sammut family, who built their dream home 220 yards from a golf course in 1999. They are now surprised by the fact that an errant ball frequently strikes their house, sometimes causing damage. The golf course has been there since 1923, and the Sammut’s apparently never considered the fact that there would be golfers on it. The road they live on is called Fairway Road. Come on, I mean, shouldn’t that tell you something? Let us hope they don’t end up moving near the airport.

In an attempt to reduce hydro usage during this week’s blistering heat wave, Premier McGuinty did an audit of the provinces power usage. It turns out that their nuclear power plants use the most electricity, so he had them turned off. When the lights went out, someone in the premier’s office was heard saying, “I don’t get it, we’re using less power.”

Bob Geldof showed up somewhere this week in his $500 suit asking the hard working peasants of the earth to scrape together more money for the dictators who are starving their citizens in Africa. I wonder if Bob is going to personally reimburse us for each cent that these warlords put in their Swiss bank accounts. After making his plea, he quickly got back into his Ferrari and drove back to his $20 million dollar home. Tell you what Bob, when you can survive on what I make, give me a call. When someone is dumb enough to elect you to something, give me a call. When these countries are run by elected officials who aren’t corrupt, … get the idea. At least the media has a new social project.

The list of scientists who say global warming is NOT happening continues to grow in both numbers and credibility. Kyoto proponents said the 15,000+ (yes, these are men and women with degrees from accredited universities) in the scientific community who say Kyoto has no scientific basis in fact are just mad ’cause they weren’t picked for the team.

It turns out the main cause of unwanted pregnancies is sexual activity. Apparently, experts say that avoiding such can reduce unwanted pregnancies by 100%. Hmm, who would’ve thought! In a related story, left wing school boards continue to fight abstinence education, stating that they love the children, but that they believe they have a right to unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. Huh?

Human rights advocates quickly put their argument papers for gay marriage away, and pulled out their handbooks after Tuesday’s vote by the Canadian government. Supporters of an open gay Canada were heard saying, “I can’t believe these idiots bought into it.” and, “I don’t have the heart to tell Mr. Martin that we were only kidding.” Lawyers were busy preparing briefs to strike down the anti- laws by declaring that it’s time for the next battle. “What business is it of the government’s if a man wants to marry his Golden Retriever?” they asked. A court challenged was filed with the Supreme Court of Canada, claiming that by not including veterinarians in the Canada Health Act, that men who love their dogs are being discriminated against. Since our supreme court justices have never shown any semblance of cognitive thought processes, the appeal is expected to be heard.

In an unrelated court case, the parents of a 12 year old were chastised by Judge Mary Nillson-Stewart-Smith-Fleming-Downs-Michaels. Apparently the 12 year old was prevented from having an abortion by her parents. The parents were reminded that they were responsible for the child’s upbringing, care, education, room and board, food, well being, prescriptions, medical bills, braces, discipline, self-esteem, self-image, and cell phone bill. They were then also reminded that parents have no rights when it comes to her pre-pubescent hormonal upheaval and any unhealthy sexual habits that these may produce. The 12 year old was then reminded that she was too young to legally work, live on her own, drive, drink, smoke, vote, or marry, but was reassured that she could create a new life, as that was her constitutional right.

That wraps up today’s lite look at the way things are in Canada.

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