I woke up this morning wondering if I was going to make it to retirement. I know I am only 37, but some days can knock the wind out of you, and the aches and pains seem to add up exponentially. (For those of you in college, that’s a lot.) Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be worry free? It’s time that I took matters into my own hands. I am securing my future today!

I am having trouble with my hands lately, so I have launched a lawsuit against the company who manufactured my keyboard. I am suing the chair manufacturer too, as it is probably sitting on the wrong angle, thus inducing the pain in my wrists to some degree. I am suing my mother, as I got the genes for my height from her, and my short stature has impacted on my chances for success, thereby reducing my total life income.

I have joined the class action lawsuit against big tobacco, and even though I have always known that smoking was bad for me, I am suing anyway. If I can put some of the blame on them, it should pay me plenty. My coffee cup said “Contents Hot!” but my legal counsel says it should have read “Really Hot” because it burnt my thighs while it was sitting on my car seat. The record company just sent me a warning for all of the music I have been stealing so I am suing them and my I.S.P. for invasion of privacy and breach of confidentiality.

I am suing the government for the flu I got last year, as they didn’t immunize sufficient people, and I am waiting for the next superbug to come by so I can tack that on the same lawsuit. That’ll save me a few bucks. I am suing the local university as they wouldn’t give me a placement due to the fact I couldn’t pay them.

I slept in three days last week, and my grumpy boss let me go. I am suing my ex-employer for wrongful dismissal, and I am filing a claim with WSIB for stress caused by the high traffic drive thru I worked at. I don’t have enough to pay my rent this week, so I will go down to social services and have them cut me a cheque. It works like a charm.

I went out last weekend to the local bar. I drove there and knew I would be drinking, but hey, it’s not my fault the waitress kept giving me doubles. She ought to know my limit. I left, fell in the parking lot, then got into a serious motor vehicle accident. My lawyer says by the time he is done, I will own the bar, the bar owner’s house, and half the waitress. Hmm.

But for now I have to keep working. My lawyer says that it could be ten years before he, umm, I, see any money start to come in.

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